January 31, 2005 -

BAGHDAD BRAINDEADOGRAPHY!

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We have a relocation plan.

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Now, details...

A chance to vote freely for the first time in half a century brought out a huge number of Iraqis. People walked for miles, in danger of losing their lives at every step. They stood in long lines for hours, then danced in the streets with the joy of having been able to cast their first meaningful votes. That is a pretty depressing contrast to American elections. Many Americans stay home if there is a 10 percent chance of rain, or a strong rumor that Vanna White might show up topless for the Election Night episode of "Wheel of Fortune."

So, I have a suggestion to Iraqifi our process. Why don't we cede South Florida to the Middle East and declare Iraq to be the new Sunshine State?

Making Iraq the New Florida will gain us a body of voters bright enough to make their way through a complicated ballot. Maybe even a (shudder) "butterfly" ballot. That one was so complicated that few south Florida Democrats could figure out how to vote for Algore even once – in the 2000 election. (Interestingly, most third graders could work with it, but I digress...)

So, some of you doubt my thoughts about the good that would come from exchanging south Floridians with Iraqis? Then answer this. Have you seen one news report of an Iraqi complaining that he/she/it couldn't figure out where to make a mark? Has there been one story about a fat fool complaining that he/she/it missed a shuffleboard game because of poor election planning?

I rest my case-in-chief.

Additionally, swapping south Florida for Iraq will give us voters who won't mistake police presence for racial harassment and intimidation.

I must confess that dumping southern Florida on Iraq would be a despicable act. Sort of like, say, giving Massachusetts to the Frogs. Some of you would say, "What have the French ever done to deserve John Kerry and Teddy Kennedy?" But some of you have always been idiots and likely won't recover. Brain cells don't multiply, despite what those glassy-eyed college professors told you about the beneficial effects of LSD, meth and marijuana.

Some of you might believe we should do something to protect the rights of the south Florida detritus we would displace. I'll go along with that. What say we send the American Civil Liberties Union to Iraq, too? If that's not enough protection, I'd be willing to throw in 90 percent of the American Trial Lawyers Association. (If the "insurgent" nutcases have any money, the trial lawyers will sue them into oblivion.)

Getting rid of lawyers and Florida idiots wouldn't be the only benefits to my plan. Consider that many of the fools we would send offshore would make wonderful targets for the al Qaeda-backed "insurgents." This would keep the Islamic nutballs from shooting at valuable people and would deplete their ammunition without significant loss to humankind. Put it all together and it's a win-win deal.

And there are good-government reasons, too. There were places in Iraq where voter turnout was very low. We can cure that with an international transplant operation. All we need to do is package up Chicago and Seattle Democrats and send them to Iraq with the south Florida lamebrains. Within a few elections after these clowns arrive, dead people in Iraq will be voting in record numbers and voter turnout will be well over 100 percent of those registered.

But Iraq doesn't deserve to get away with absorbing mostly Southern idiots, so let's insist they take Massachusetts Senator Teddy Kennedy, too. Ever on alert for another opportunity to prove he is a complete fool, Kennedy made a "major address" three days ahead of the Iraqi elections – calling the entire affair a "quagmire" and a sham. Now I admit Kennedy has close contacts with quagmires. His brother, John, started the slide that left us with one in Vietnam. More personally, Kennedy swam close to the bottom of a Chappaquiddick stream while Mary Jo Kopechne was drowning in his car. He escaped the muddy quagmire at Chappaquiddick, thanks to a swooning American press that loves Kennedys – even those who kill young women.

But enough of fools who drown women and get elected. Let's jump ahead and give Fox News Channel the 2005 Putdown of the Year Award. It's early, but nobody is likely to top what a Fox spokesman said when left-wing nutcase and CNN founder Ted Turner lashed out at FNC, calling it a propaganda tool of the Bush administration.

Never one to quit when he's behind, Turner went on to compare Fox's popularity to Adolf Hitler's. The Fox mouthpiece said, "Ted is understandably bitter, having lost his ratings, his network, and now his mind," adding: "We wish him well." (Fox should be ashamed for allowing its spokesman to lie about one thing after telling the absolute truth about the first three. No one really believes they wish Tedious Ted well.)

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would it be nice if we told Ted Turner that late-term treatment for brain disorders, even syphilis, is available?