February 9, 2005 -

NUCLEAR NOODLING!

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Jack keeps on killing Muslims!

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Now, details...

Pity nuclear energy. I once saw a bumper sticker that proclaimed, correctly, that more people have died in Senator Ted Kennedy's automobile than have expired because of American nuclear power. My son asked recently just what happened at America's "worst" nuclear accident – the 1979 event at Three Mile Island. The answer: almost nothing. There was an equipment failure and TMI operators failed to understand what was happening. There was a very slight release of radiation to the atmosphere. Nobody hurt then and nobody getting cancer about 25 years after America's premier nuclear problem.

Christopher asked the question after we watched last week's episode of Fox Network's best dramatic show, "24." In "24" intrepid spook/action hero Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland) works to save America from the persistent threat of mass death and destruction plotted by some truly evil Muslim extremists.

I enjoy the show, but the current plot is a laugher for anyone who has ever been inside a nuclear power plant. The evil ones are trying to hack into computers for American nuclear plants and produce meltdowns at more than 100 reactor sites. In case you're a terrorist and reading this, you probably should spend your time plotting something else. Maybe a cute donkey rigged with plastic explosives.

The computer systems at nuclear plants are (1) extremely secure from computer hackers and (2) can be detached from outside inputs.

And if there IS a meltdown, the monolithic containment buildings will contain the radiation. A nuclear plant could take the force of the Asian tsunami and keep on turning out kilowatt hours. The walls of the containment buildings are reinforced concrete and 4 to 5 feet thick. Under the concrete is a thick liner of stainless steel.

But we'll keep on watching "24." Just because the underlying plot is goofy doesn't keep it from being an exciting show.

The Iraqi elections silenced many fools and one fool who had not disgraced himself lately managed to remain silent. Former Presidential disaster Jimmuh Carter didn't offer to go to Iraq to "monitor" the elections and kept his stupid mouth shut in the aftermath. It was a Carter performance we pray will be repeated. Even those of us who detest the peanutmeister hope that he might get brighter in his golden years. After all, the last braindead utterance from Jimmuh was in September, when he said the Iraqi elections would never take place. Jimmuh stayed home during the Iraq elections (he only sallies forth to validate fraudulent elections involving anti-American dictators) but the "Carter Center" set up its Iraq election-watching shop in Jordan. A Jimmuhdorque said Iraq was too dangerous.

However, a friend in Las Vegas tells me the smart money is betting that Jimmuh has had a terrible case of laryngitis for the past few months.

There is good news and bad news for Daryl Atkins of Virginia. Atkins and another man abducted a 21-year-old airman from Langley Air Force Base, forced him to withdraw money from an ATM, then executed him. The good news for Daryl is that he appears to be somewhat retarded – which insulates him from execution for his crime. The bad news is that Daryl's IQ has been creeping up and he is hovering near the point at which Virginia can say he's smart enough to get the Cleansing Needle.

The cutoff for retardation in Virginia is 70 and Daryl has tested just above that.

I don't know what to think about the reason for Daryl's intellectual growth. A psychologist wrote that his contact with the lawyers working on his case appears to have stimulated his pea-sized brain. So far as I know, this is the first time in history that anybody has been accused of getting brighter from exposure to lawyers.

Former Lyndon Johnson "gopher" Bill Moyers appears to be dumbing down enough that his IQ line will intersect Daryl Atkins' very soon. First Billy Boy said that Christian fundamentalists represent the most significant threat afoot in the world today. Then the former preacher from Marshall, Texas made up a story about former Reagan Interior Secretary James Watt to "prove" that fundamentalist Christians are nuts. I don't suspect that Moyers has committed a capital crime, but if he does, we need to execute him soon. It won't be long before his IQ falls into the "protected" area.

The entire staff of the mighty New Dork Times is heading for the protected IQ zone – but the people who put out the editorial page might already be below 70. The Dork's funniest editorial this week was a clarion call for convicted felons to have the right to vote. The Dork noted that five million Americans are barred from voting, which it found to be a terrible thing. As usual, I go the other way. If Little Pinch Sulzberger, publisher of the Dork, wants to create five million more Democrats he should do it the regular way left-wingers do it. You know. Registering entire cemeteries and convincing the shrinking number of live Democrats to vote more than once.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since John Kerry appears to be dead, why didn't he win?