February 16, 2005 -

JACKO JACKASSERY!

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Character must be witnessed.

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Now, details...

I'd say Michael Jackson must hate Elizabeth Taylor, Kobe Bryant and Jay Leno. That conclusion comes because court papers in California indicate Jackson intends to call them, as well as many other big names, as character witnesses in his child-molestation trial. But things aren't going all that well with the defense when two of their character witnesses are an aging dingbat and a rapist.

All manner of things – good and bad – come out of California. As a for-instance, there was AIDS, but that plague was partially offset by Ronald Reagan. California gives us the most stupid United States Senator, Democrat Barbara Boxer, but it also gave us Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. (Whenever we mention Senator Boxer in juxtaposition with something else, that brings up the expression "mixed bag," which the Senator certainly is.)

Which leads us to today's California story, which would seem to be a typically bizarre attempt at Californication.

This one takes some thought. Some California fixers are highly upset at the success of fuel-efficient vehicles. "Bah,"you scoff. "California has led the nation in pushing for fuel efficiency!"

Well, yes. But that fuel efficiency has cut state revenues from gasoline taxes and California bureaucrats just hate the hell out of that. So some want to equip California vehicles with GPS locator units so California can tax people not on how much gasoline they burn (since they're burning less) but on how many miles they drive (since they're driving more).

Some California dumb ideas make it off the starting line. I don't figure the per-mile tax will be one of those.

Somehow I don't think the government needs to devote expensive satellite time to keep track of my driving. Of course, there's a possibility that my bias against the idea comes from my residency in Llano County, Texas, which has a very high median age. I don't think the government should know where Llano County citizens are when the citizens themselves often aren't all that certain.

I'm not saying that Llano Countians are generally a tad long in the tooth, but there is a rumor that Wal-Mart is considering an "express lane" for "canes and walkers" at its Marble Falls SuperCenter.

Nothing wrong with being old, of course. Some idiot once asked President Reagan something like, "How does it feel to be 73?" Reagan replied, "Great, when you consider the alternative."

Our local scene isn't exactly the Hollywood social whirl. Carole and I once were invited to have dinner with the local "singles club." Nice group of folks and we were among the few "marrieds" there. I struck up a conversation with a dignified fellow in the brisket line. He said he was retired, widowed and had been a Postmaster. I asked him where he had been Postmaster and the question traumatized him. He stood like a statue for a minute or so, then muttered, "I can't remember."

All of which is a long way around to circling back to the California dumb idea. It just isn't fair for a government to tax us on our whereabouts when we ain't all that certain just where the heck we are.

Which brings us, quite predictably, to Jimmuh Carter. The United States Navy plans to commission the Attack Submarine Jimmy Carter, honoring the 39th President of the United States. Informed sources say the Jimmuh Seawolf-class submarine will sail in unpredictable circles and dive without warning.

It is believed that President Bush gave the go-ahead for naming a submarine after a former presidential dork because Jimmuh, like Bush, pronounces "nuclear" as "new-CUE-luhr."

Another news guru joined the Dan Rather Hall of Shame. Eason Jordan, head of CNN (previously known as the Clinton News Network) quit after it became obvious there was no way he could lie his way out of the brouhaha set off by his flapping mouth. Jordan told a gathering of stuffed shirts in Switzerland that the U.S. miliary has targeted, and killed, journalists in Iraq. Jordan's remarks were so incendiary that they even enraged left-wing conspiracy lovers. Democratic Congressman Barney Frank demanded that Jordan come up with some proof. There is none, of course, and Jordan is now history.

Chances are, of course, that his loyal service to CNN will be rewarded with a multimillion-dollar severance package. CBS and CNN both insist that loyal liars must be compensated when they get caught.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the U.S. military kills journalists, why are Eason Jordan and Dan Rather still breathing?