March 2, 2005 -

THE SUPREMES GO GONZO!

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Now, details...

Best brain-impaired quote of last week involved the inspirational words of the widow of "gonzo" journalist Hunter Thompson, who enunciated: "I always knew that Hunter was going to die before me," New widow Anita Thompson, 32, said that of her 67-year-old late millionaire husband. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Anna Nicole Smith say much the same thing of her late multimillionaire husband.

The hunt for Osama bin Laden goes on. I have several suggestions. Dubya, Condi, Rummy and the CIA could step aside and subcontract the Osama hunt to the AARP. As many of us know, the AARP can find anybody who is over 50 years old. Or we could simply ask the U.S. Supreme Court to look for bin Laden in the Constitution. There's good evidence that five fools on the Big Court could find him there.

There are some idiots who don't accept that nominations to federal courts are important. Those are the people who won't notice that our beloved Supreme Court decided to protect young murderers, holding (5-4) that the Constitution bars executing anybody under 18. The majority opinion was written by Justice Anthony Kennedy, who was nominated to the federal bench by Gerald Ford and put on the Supreme Court by Ronald Reagan, who is undoubtedly spinning in his grave.

Texas rid itself of yet another piece of debris in February. Dennis Bagwell, convicted in the 1995 slayings of his mother and three others, was executed after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected an 11th-hour appeal that he was unfairly kept from testifying at his own trial. Dennis got hacked because his mother, Leona McBee, refused to give him money. So Dennis did what scum do: he killed her and everyone inside the house, including a 4-year-old relative. He also killed the girl's mother and a 14-year-old girl.

Want to get sick? Consider that Bagwell was on parole at the time of the killings, having served more than seven years for a 1982 attempted capital murder in Hidalgo County. He had slit the throat of an illegal alien.

We're lucky the Supreme Court didn't accept Bagwell's plea. Given some of the idiotic decisions from the Big Court, ‘tis a wonder it didn't decide that Dennis was a victim of child abuse. After all, his late mother wouldn't give him money when he asked.

The end is near. Canada has announced it won't join the United States missile defense program. Actually, it's a laugher to mention Canada and "defense" in the same breath, since our socialist friends to the north decided years ago that Uncle Sugar would take care of any baddies who might molest Canucks. The Pentagon isn't all that concerned. If Canada needs to be dealt with, we could mobilize the Rhode Island National Guard and tell them to go north.

Outgoing Ambassador Paul Cellucci told reporters he was perplexed over Canada's decision, which will allow Washington to decide what to do if a missile is headed toward Canada. Cellucci isn't thinking straight. If there is a missile headed for Canada we – from the President down to the rest of us – should pick up some snacks, a good supply of cold drinks and turn on the news channels.

There's a possibility, of course, that a missile attack might have a terrible effect on Canada's chief export products, American-manufactured prescription drugs and lesbian singers.

I have mentioned that Carole and I are devotees of the Fox Network's "24" soap opera – in which Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland) tries to stop a seemingly unstoppable series of evil Muslim nutcases from doing terrible things to America. So, the previous sentence establishes that "24" is a TV series based in reality, right?

Well, yes. But not if you're a member of the Politically Correct generation. If you're PC, then you simply must believe that all Muslims are really neat people – sort of Ozzie and Harriet with plastic explosives. I mention "24" because Sutherland, giving in to pressure from a nutcase group known as CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) did an on-camera takeout to mollify Muslims. Sutherland said: "...the American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism." That's not true. The American Muslim community isn't solidly against terrorism, unfortunately.

CAIR, calls itself "America's largest Muslim civil liberties group," and it hates "24" because it presents some Muslims as evil nutballs who will kill themselves to get at the "infidels." That's terrible, I guess. What we need is an affirmative-action program for terrorists. How about recruiting Irish grandmothers as "shoe bombers?" We really need to get the numbers up for non-Muslim freaks.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If AARP finds private retirement accounts so detestable, why does AARP pimp mutual funds on its website?