March 9, 2005 -

DIPPY DAN DEPARTS

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And more. Now, details...

This week we get to hear the whining swan song of Lefty Dan Rather, America's most politicized television anchor.

Blathering Dan is a man of tears, funny sayings and symbolism. One of his symbols is the international symbol for "hurricane" monogrammed on his shirts. Dan says that's because he got on his road to the Big Time by covering Hurricane Carla several generations ago. Rather-bashers accept there is some truth in that, but suspect that Dan chose the hurricane symbol because there is no accepted international symbol (other than Dan himself) for "liberal fool."

Uncle Wally, sometimes known as Walter Cronkite, was rather graceless in his remarks about Dithering Dan's tenure in the anchor chair. Possibly Uncle Wally is still hacked because Rather pushed him out and now Uncle Wally is just another clueless, whining left-winger. But Uncle Wally was joined by some other CBS Senior Senile Citizens in announcing they were average Americans, sort of, during Rather's anchorhood. Cronkite, CBS curmudgeon Andy Rooney (sometimes known as Andy Looney) and geriatric "60 Minutes" correspondent Mike Wallace (also known as Mike Malice) said they didn't watch the CBS Evening News when Dan was dithering in the anchor chair.

Rather never got above third in a three-man race in his 24 years of anchoring, but he indeed did some fine reporting, so long as the story at hand didn't involve politics. He attacked Richard Nixon, George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush, but never laid a glove on Jimmuh Carter or Bill Clinton. Indeed he often took on the persona of a teeny-bopper groupie on the subject of Clinton.

He stretched the truth about himself, too. I've never understood why Rather, with a fabulous resume, has contended he was a reporter for Associated Press. He was not.

B.G. Burkett, a Vietnam veteran and author of "Stolen Valor: How the Vietnam Generation Was Robbed of its Heroes and its History," says Rather has claimed, falsely, to be a "two-tour Marine." Burkett, who has devoted his life to exposing lies about Vietnam veterans, says Rather was booted out of the Marine Corps after four weeks. He couldn't handle basic training.

Dan's demise has one good effect. It kicks stories about Martha Stewart off the front pages and nightly newscasts. I guess Martha isn't the Domestic Diva, now that she can't vote, own a firearm and must wear a GPS locator bracelet. Should we refer to her as the Fix-Up Felon?

I have a plan to make cable TV news less cluttered with bilge about celebrity dorks. Why don't we require that Martha Stewart, Dan Rather, Michael Jackson, Robert Blake and Bill and Hillary Clinton all move in together on Martha's vast estate. That should pare some of the breathless coverage of their comings and goings.

Dan Rather might want to go into group therapy with another Texas "journalist," LBJ aide and public-TV suckup Bill Moyers. Moyers unburdened himself of a paranoid screed in the New York Review of Books in which he says religious "fundamentalists" and corporate interests are behind "President Bush's master plan for rolling back environmental protections." Moyers, an ordained minister, isn't the first preacher/journalist to go nuts.

A Gallup Poll shows that newspaper reporters are less respected than TV journalists. Gallup polled on "honesty and ethical standards" in various professions, and found that newspaper wretches rank behind bankers, auto mechanics, elected officials, and nursing-home operators. The only good news for the scribes is that they are more respected than lawyers, car salesmen, and ad directors. (Nurses top the list as most honest and ethical.)

One reason reporters still edge out lawyers in respectability might be found in a story out of Vienna. Reuters reports that lawyers from the United States and Austria have filed a lawsuit in a New York district court demanding that Thailand, U.S. Forecasters and a French group say why they "failed" to warn populations hit by the December tsunami.

One poll that didn't get any ink or time in major media outlets was conducted by a group called Terror Free Tomorrow, which found that more people in Indonesia, the world's largest Muslim country, now favor American efforts against terrorism. It's clear that Indonesians were swayed by the U.S. humanitarian response after the tsunami.

I doubt he will win the mayor's office, but Los Angeles Republican candidate Walter Moore should get an award for being straightforward. He said: "My name is Walter Moore and I'm running for mayor, and you know what? I don't speak Spanish and I don't intend to learn."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Do you think that even Mrs. Dan Rather believes those fake memos were the real deal?