March 16, 2005 -

THOU SHALT NOTTERY!

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Stories from all over

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Now, details...

The Mighty New Dork Times weighed in on Monday with an editorial that came down strongly against shooting judges and deputies – even in Atlanta. Quoth the Dork: "Protecting the justice system from intimidation is vital. Government needs to consider basic steps, like alarms at judges' homes, and increasing the number of courthouse guards and improving training." The Times, of course, couldn't bring itself to question the wisdom of assigning a 5-foot-tall female deputy as the lone security guard for a 6-foot, 200-pound male inmate.

Political Correctness remained the order of the day even after the arrest of the courtroom shooter, Brian Nichols. The primary "photo opportunity" escort for Nichols when he was first seen in custody was a tall, blonde, female FBI agent. It was obvious that the Feds wanted to make a statement about sexual equality in law enforcement. As I perceived the statement, however, it was, "Paul, it's time for you to throw up."

It's not likely that the Atlanta tragedy will put an end to the stupidity that assigns small grandmothers to guard burly, young, male monsters. I don't suspect I will ever be arrested for anything, but if that happens I have a request. I would like to be guarded by an elderly handicapped lesbian who weighs, say, 82 pounds.

We know that no good deed goes unpunished. And when that good deed is done amid the hubbub of a huge news story the punishment is swift. Most of us continued in awe of the Atlanta heroine Ashley Smith when a couple of Atlanta Journal-Constitution reporters were busy trying to trash the woman who arranged the capture of Atlanta shooter Brian Nichols. The AJC informed us that this lady had a shoplifting conviction when she was 16. If that wasn't bad enough, she was found guilty, at 18, of possessing alcohol. Wow! Toss her into solitary.

Mrs. Smith is a widow, her husband having been murdered several years ago. She soothed Nichols after he forced his way into her apartment by calm conversation and reading to him. She read from a recent best-selling book and from THE biggest-selling book in history – the Holy Bible. If we're lucky, the American Civil Liberties Union won't jump in and try to free Nichols from the four murder charges – based on the fact that Ashley Smith violated his freedom from religion by reading from the Bible.

Iraq is a dangerous place. Almost as dangerous as Philadelphia. Police in the City of Brotherly Love are begging citizens for help in identifying a few murderers. Philadelphia had 21 murders in eight days and District Attorney Lynne Abraham says her office will even move witnesses to a safe location out of state if they'll come forward. Maybe it would be safer in Iraq to put Philly crime witnesses in protective custody in Iraq or Afghanistan. Military officials say that 26 prisoners have died in American custody in Iraq and Afghanistan. It's much safer there, because the 26 have died over a time frame beginning in 2002.

Washington's abundance of radical kooks went into shock last week after it was revealed that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has undergone treatment for a heart condition. "We're afraid that the entire nutball movement will be undermined if word seeps out that DeLay has a heart," said Yella Dahg, a Democrat consultant who picks up drink bottles after Sen. Teddy (The Swimmer) Kennedy.

A story out of California tells us the Democrats are right. There's no reason to worry about Social Security. Not because the Social Security system isn't headed for insolvency. Not because there are three workers these days to pay the benefits for us Old Farts collecting them (and I'd like to tell you guys and gals just how much Carole and I appreciate your support). The "what, me worry?" attitude comes because University of California scientists tell us that ALL life on earth vanishes every 62 million years. So, as Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says, there's no hurry.

There's one problem with the study, though. It comes out of University of California at Berkeley – where most intelligent life vanished several decades ago.

Poh Ole Daniel Irving Rather, Jr. Dan probably feels like he's been rode hard and put up wet; like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest; like a snow owl playing hide-and-seek in a coal mine. Or maybe like a blind skunk in a stinking contest. You get the idea.

Dan has had a bad go. And a Gallup Poll on his last day found most Americans believe Rather is too liberal and never believed much of what he said. Dan can take solace in the fact that he and his fellow anchordorques are held in rather low esteem. Thirty-five percent said Rather is too liberal; a brain-damaged 13 percent said he's too conservative and 37 per cent said Old Dan had things about straight. Overall, the three anchors for the dinosaur networks were were rated too liberal by 42%, too conservative by 25%, and just right by 28%.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: (this is an easy one) How many Christian widows does it take to do a job the Atlanta Sheriff's Department can't handle?