March 23, 2005 -

BOUNTIFUL BRAINDEATHERY!

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We have a plan.

The wrenching story of Terri Schiavo might lead to one good outcome: an end to the never-ending whining about capital punishment. It appears that many people, including left-wing Democrats, now profess to believe that death by starvation is "painless." That's surprising.

First, let me admit that I have been hungry often (usually at 6 a.m., noon and 7 p.m.) but have never starved. I confess to having stretched the truth now and again, saying "I'm starving," but that was just exaggeration.

Now I know that some of you might have spent the last few weeks totally distracted from the news – maybe looking for an all-you-can-eat cafeteria in Bluffton , Texas, or a Support The Troops rally in Austin or San Francisco. Thus you might have missed the hubbub over removing the feeding tube from poor Terri Schiavo – a Florida woman who has been bedridden for years. Mrs. Schiavo breathes on her own but was kept alive by a feeding tube. At least until her husband was able (with help from every court within starving distance of Florida) to have the tube removed. So Terri Schiavo is starving to death, bit by bit.

The only good news on the horizon of the Schiavo sadness comes from the American Left, which has turned on a dime and now supports capital punishment – at least when it comes to starving a bedridden woman. This can be a salutary development for the taxpayers and bad news for the 3,455 pieces of scum on various "death rows" across America.

Our lefties go into keening voice about capital punishment. The electric chair was, well, too electrifying and brutal. Several states once sent scum to the cemetery by hanging, but that also was too brutal for many. The American past also includes death by firing squad. Our liberals get the vapors over the thought of that.

But now the people who once opposed EVERY instance of imposing death appear to be united in support of a death sentence for poor Mrs. Schiavo.

This can be an opportunity for significant tax relief. It costs way more than a million smackeroos a year to keep a piece of debris alive and fed (not by a tube, of course) on death row. Since the American left now deems starvation to be "painless," let's just stop feeding our condemned felons. No bread, no water. Within a couple of weeks, we can convert our death row units to some good use. Maybe homeless shelters. Or refuges for brain-dead Austin politicians or bureaucrats.

Once its 639 scumbags melt into starved nothingless, California will save more than $639 million a year. (Keep in mind that the savings will multiply infinitely, since California kills about as many dinosaurs as condemned people.) Texas, with 442 pieces of human debris waiting for the Cleansing Needle, will save a batch of money, but the financial windfall won't match California's. Texas extinguishes an offender now and then. Even Arizona (with 108 condemned people – 106 men and two women) could benefit. Very little money will flow to the taxpayers in New Mexico, New York and Wyoming, each of which has only two people waiting for execution. (New York politicians undoubtedly will ask for Texas and California to share the financial windfall, but that can be handled in the political process.)

"Painless starvation" can be a big money-saver in the War On Terror. At this moment, some poor United States citizen at the prison camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba is reading a Muslim cookbook – so our darling terrorists there can be fed acceptable food. If we don't feed them anything, the cook can concentrate on food for Americans. Inhumane, you say? Well, if it's good enough for Terri Schiavo it should be sufficient for Muhammad. After all, starvation would be a way these killers can get on the express lane to meeting Allah and claiming their 72 bulemic virgins.

Since we're on the subject of plug-pulling, maybe it's time to cut off food and drink for quite a few high public officials in Austin. It is arguable as to whether poor Terri Schiavo might, or might not, be brain dead but it appears provable that brain death is widespread in our capital city. Take City Manager Toby Futrell, for instance. Ms. Futrell proposed making a $750,000 "forgiveable loan" to the owners of Midtown Live – which was an African-American police hotspot until a fire turned it into a flaming hotspot. Some Austin citizens with discernable brain activity got hot under their collars – since another term for "forgiveable loan" is "gift."

Ms. Futrell and Austin Police Chief Stan ("I left my mind in San Francisco") Knee never worried about the huge number of police calls to Midtown Live, but did get their lace panties in a knot when one Austin cop messaged "Burn, Baby Burn" to another poor soul in Austin's thin blue line.

For Futrell and Knee, I propose a last meal of oxygen, spiced with some nice nitrogen.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: When should we stop feeding about half of our politicians?