April 13, 2005 -

LEAPING ILLEGALS!

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We have suggestions for a plan.

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Now, details...

The Department of Homeland Security needs some good advice on how to return illegal aliens to their homeland. DHS policy has been to take the illegals to the border and tell them to go south. To the surprise of few, the illegals quickly turn north and take another shot at violating our immigration laws.

So, DHS is considering chartering airplanes to take the illegals back to their hometowns – not just to the border. Not a bad idea, but only if the "immigrants" are expelled from the airplane while it's still, say 10 feet above ground. That might convince some illegals it's not a good idea to violate our sovereignty. If we get a repeat offender, we might toss him out at 20 feet.

I would assume that "celebrity activist" Bianca Jagger was in Texas on a valid passport. She was here to ask Gov. Rick Perry and the legislature to abolish the death penalty. I'm intrigued about Bianca on several levels. First being, what the hell makes her believe we should care what some Brit woman thinks – since her only credential to intellectual credibility appears to be a short marriage to Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. Bianca's picture in the Austin (un)American-Statesman gave me pause. Not because she's striking or even pretty, but because she could be a stand-in for Michael Jackson.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson is praying that his jury is as good to him as O.J. Simpson's was to O.J. I hear the O.J. jurors have regular gatherings all these years after setting a celebrated murderer free. They gather in the same park and walk their seeing-eye dogs.

Now, the nutball patrol...

– U.S. Sen. Jim Jeffords is a rather queer duck even for a Vermonter. He switched from Republican to Independent to hand control of the Senate to Tom Daschle and the Democrats. However, Vermonters see Jeffords' treachery as principled and he is a heavy favorite to win re-election in 2006. But his words on Vermont Public Radio last month might alert voters that Jumpin' Jim is something of a head case. Jeffords predicted the Bush administration will start a war in Iran. And why would that happen? Jim says it will be to make certain Jeb Bush is elected president at some future date.

– Honker John Kerry flew to the front of the moonbat formation with a hilarious, if somewhat pathetic, speech about the election. You remember. The one he lost. Kerry said, with as straight a face as he can muster, that leaflets were handed out "saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday." I first heard that line back in the 1960s, but it was a Texas Democrat telling Republicans to vote on Wednesday after the Democrats voted on Tuesday. The "scandal" Kerry refers to was reported only in the Onion – a web site trafficking in satire.

– Brigadier Gen. Janis Karpinski won't go away. This woman has a star on her shoulder and a dead planet for a brain. Being a female general made her a prime candidate to be in charge of the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the military will ever regret its Politically Correct decision to assign her there. That's because jughead Janet says abuses are still happening at Abu Ghraib. She says everybody above her rank knew about prisoner abuse and everybody below her knew about it. Janet has never been able to explain how that could happen.

– And then there's the only socialist in Congress, Bernard Sanders of Vermont, who lines up with the Democrats in the House. As Democrats are howling about Majority Leader Tom DeLay using campaign donations to pay his wife and daughter for political work, it turns out that socialist Bernie used campaign money to pay his wife and stepdaughter.

– And then there's the Mighty New Dork Times, which is going after DeLay the same way it went after the Masters Golf Tournament in a feckless crusade several years back. The Dork asked former Congressman Bob Livingston of Louisiana to write an op-ed about DeLay, then withdrew the offer when Livingston said he would be happy to do so – that he had a lot of nice things to say about Tom DeLay.

I love the whining about gasoline prices because the wails always bring e-mails comparing gas prices to those of other liquids. And my all-time favorite is the $21.19 price tag for Evian – bottled water. Maybe the people who bottle Evian have a sense of humor, since their product, spelled backward, is "naive."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the pen is mightier than the sword, how come nobody lives through taking a ballpoint to a gunfight?