April 20, 2005 -

HOLY SMOKE!

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We have a Pope in Rome and knotheads at home.

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Now, the details...

I have to admit to sadness that the College of Cardinals didn't take longer to select the successor to Pope John Paul II. It would have been a pleasing thing for those of us who watch cable TV news programs if the search for a papal successor had gone on until just after the end of the Michael Jackson trial. Most of us prefer to listen to people babble about a Pope instead of a pervert.

Clusters of people in Austin and San Francisco probably prayed this week that the telltale chimneys at the Vatican would emit lavender smoke – signaling the selection of the first homosexual Holy Father.

My friend Juan forwarded a list of what liberals wanted in the new Pope. That would be a man who:

** Reads Ms magazine
** Reads moveon.org on the Internet
** Likes the movie Fahrenheit 9/11
** Thinks NOW is the real spokesperson for women
** Feels your pain
** Is concerned about his flock's self-esteem
** Tosses free condoms from his balcony on St. Peter's Square.

The new Pope took the name Benedict XVI. News reports said he "moved swiftly" on Wednesday to allay fears that he would be a rigid conservative. But Benedict XVI is a brilliant man and has to know that his critics will celebrate his elevation only if he moves the Vatican to San Francisco and conducts services in a hot tub.

Rocker Ted Nugent has cemented his standing as the entertainer most entertainers love to hate. Nugent addressed the National Rifle Association convention in Houston and urged NRA members to be "hardcore, radical extremists demanding the right to self defense." Nugent revved up the crowd when he said gun owners should use their guns to protect themselves, if the need arises. The way he phrased it won't put him in the Hall of Fame for Politically Correct Speech.

He said: "Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em! To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em."

A heated debate broke out over a Watauga, Texas 911 dispatcher's less-than-oh-so-sensitive response to a hysterical woman who came home to find her daughters fighting. "Lori" did what jerks do in cities. She called 911, asserting that her 12-year-old daughter was out of control. Dispatcher Mike Forbess said, "OK. Do you want us to come over to shoot her?" The out-of-control mom gathered her emotions sufficiently to dress Forbess down. She continued a tirade after he admitted to having made a bad joke.

Forbess received a letter of reprimand from Watauga Police Chief David Van Laar, proving that the distraught mother isn't the only jerk in Watauga. Forbess apologized repeatedly. He said, "I admit what I did. It was stupid, it was inexcusable and I'm sorry...I know it's not enough for her or for the papers or for the rest of the world. I've taken the punishment that they gave."

There is a possibility that good sense is seeping into the brains of a number of U.S. Senators. I say that because the Senate turned down a proposed amnesty that would have covered about a million illegal aliens and their families. However, President George W. Bush remains committed to an amnesty that amounts to opening the borders. In case you haven't been paying attention, we have plenty of illegal Mexicans in the United States already. A report underwritten by the Pew Foundation puts the figure at 10.3 million. The report notes that the influx of illegals boomed since 2000. The migration represents illegals who plan to take advantage of the amnesty Bush says isn't an amnesty. California has about 25 percent of the "undocumented," Texas 14 percent and Florida has 9 percent.

My apologies. Some of my friends beat me up for my incorrect assertion that Bianca Jagger was traveling on a Brit passport. I don't really know what the not-all-that-lovely Bianca is (except the word "dingbat" comes to mind), but she might be a Nicaraguan.

Bianca came to Texas recently to tell us we shouldn't practice capital punishment. And, despite where her passport might come from, Bianca remains as a visual twin of Michael Jackson. She is a political twin of our beloved Jimmuh Carter, who finds fault only with right-wing dictators that we once supported (or at least didn't oppose). But I don't want to imply that Bianca is as hideous as Michael Jackson, physically, or Jimmuh, mentally.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Shouldn't 911 dispatchers make more money than police chiefs?