May 4, 2005 -

BUMPTIOUS BLIMPOGRAPHY!

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Ann Coulter riles them up again.

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Now, details...

Conservative leggy blonde Ann Coulter often turns silly grown men into sillier girlie men. Take, for instance, The Rev. Dennis Dease, president of the University of St. Thomas. He denounced a speech by Coulter as being "against everything the University of St. Thomas stands for." There was no indication in The Rev. Dease's statement as to what Ms. Coulter said that so knotted the preacher's lace panties, but maybe it was when she referred to Senator Teddy (The Massachusetts White Whale) as a "human dirigible." Or possibly it was when she referred to California Dingbat Senator Barbara Boxer as "learning-disabled."

Ms. Coulter might be slightly incorrect about Kennedy. I'm not certain he's human. And Sen. Boxer might better be described as "mentally deficient."

Jennifer Wilbanks is known near and narrow as Jennifer Wilbanks and far and wide as the "runaway bride." In case you have been waiting for the groundbreaking ceremony at the Tow Mall and not paying attention to the news, Jennifer is the dingbat who hooked it a few days before her scheduled gala wedding. Jennifer went to some lengths to make it appear she had been the victim of foul play. Stupid people usually continue to act stupidly, so I have some advice for Jennifer's next venture into brain death. That is: "Try not to do anything bizarre on a slow news day." If Jennifer had boarded her bus on September 11, 2001 no one outside of Georgia would have known she is an idiot.

Jennifer changed her destination after buying her first ticket. She initially planned to stop at Austin, Texas. This validates my long-held belief that every nutcase in the world wants to get to Austin.

I have some advice for the cops in Duluth, Georgia. If Jennifer happens to become a murder victim, your first 14 suspects should be the women she chose as her bridesmaids.

If you believe anything that's written in The New Yorker, you must be scared out of your head. An airhead writer named Elizabeth Kolbert has written a huge story on "the realities of global warming" and Loony Liz says the mile-high glaciers of Greenland are melting so quickly that a river of ice called Jakobshavn Isbrae has almost doubled its speed since 1993. Liz says the glacier is now moving at 7.8 miles per hour. That's scary. Once Jakobshavn Isbrae gets to Kalispell, Montana it could be in Amarillo in about six months.

But you don't need to put on your track shoes. Loopy Liz certainly intended to write that the glacier's speed has jumped to 7.8 miles per YEAR.

History tells us that there were gay savages. Indian homosexuals back in the early days generally lived near, but somewhat apart from, the rest of the tribe. It seems the Navajos still aren't all that sold on things gay. The Navajo Nation Council has banned same-sex marriage and also prohibited intermarriage between close relatives – thus incurring the wrath of homosexuals and many people in Arkansas.

The Council's action was announced by an official named Omer Begay, who obviously does not be. Begay said fundamental Navajo law teaches there is a purpose for a man and a woman in marriage.

Many on the American left appear to support the death penalty only for religious extremists. But let's wait and listen to the whining about the death penalty handed down for Army Sgt. Hasan Akbar. Akbar used a grenade and his rifle to kill two officers during the opening days of the Iraq invasion. Akbar said he killed his fellow soldiers because he feared they would harm his fellow Muslims in the nascent war. The sentence will be reviewed by a commanding officer and automatically appealed. If Akbar is executed (which isn't likely), he will assume room temperature by way of Society's Cleansing Needle.

There are fools a'plenty in Massachusetts – even a few who don't serve in the United States Senate. But Republican Gov. Mitt Romney has introduced a bill that would limit some foolishness in Massachusetts, by bringing back capital punishment. Romney says his death-penalty measure would be virtually foolproof – which might mean it's simple enough for Teddy Kennedy to understand. Massachusetts abolished the death penalty in 1984.

I don't know that I have ever seen inside a copy of "Playgirl" magazine, but Playgirl's moguls obviously support a death penalty of sorts. Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp got the corporate version of the death penalty after she revealed that she had voted for George W. Bush in the 2004 election. Ms. Zipp said she got a phone call from one of her higher-ups, who said, "I wouldn't have hired you if I knew you were a Republican."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should Ann Coulter apologize to the manufacturers of the Goodyear Blimp for referring to Senator Ted Kennedy as a "human dirigible?"